Recently myself and himself marked our 20th wedding anniversary. We don't generally go in for big celebrations of our anniversary and there have been years when we have forgotten to even buy each other a card. But there is one person who never forgets and always arrives with a bottle of wine and a card and that's my dear mother.
Oh yes. My mammy never forgets to mark each important family event, from birthdays (including her son- and daughters-in-law and grandchildren) to exam results; from job interviews to driving tests, and most of all wedding anniversaries.
Mammy Scully is a clever woman and a writer, too. In her heyday, she was known for her witty verses which she could pen at the drop of a hat for any occasion.
In fact, it was on October 5, 1996, that she delivered one of her best poetic efforts and prompted much guffawing from our wedding guests.
It gleefully described (among other things) how I had spent years declaring that "I had no need of a man in my life" until a man came along who was brave and smart enough to call me out on my baloney.
But within the witty roast of a poem there were little nuggets of wisdom and love, cleverly tucked away so as not to be too obvious, lest someone, most likely me, accuse her of sentimentality.
It is a trick I may employ myself next summer when my own daughter gets married. Although I doubt I will be able to make my pearls of wisdom rhyme like my mother did.
But more to the point is, what pearls of wisdom will I have to give my eldest girl as she embarks on a new life as a married woman?
I have been thinking about this lately after I came across a quote by Mary Lou Quinlan, who said of her mother: "She inhaled a problem and exhaled a prayer."
I know that Mammy Scully exhales prayers - lots of them - every night for me and my brothers and our families. The fact that we are all (including our partners) self-employed provides the focus for many of the things she prays about.
Prayers such as "please God may Barbara get paid soon" and the like. Mary Lou Quinlan's mammy put her prayers into various boxes that Mary Lou found when she was clearing out her mother's home after her death.
The contents of these boxes prompted her to write a book and a play, 'The God Box, A Daughter's Story'.
But back to hope and wisdom. How many nights did my mother find me crying on my bed over various crises when I was a teenager and young adult? Sobbing and muttering about how "It's just not fair".
My mother's answer was always the same. "Who ever told you life was fair? It's not, so stop expecting it to be." Harsh but true.
There is another piece of advice that Mammy Scully is famous for and it's one that we have argued over because as I got older I thought it was rubbish.
And it is that we should always "hope for the best but expect the worst".
Her logic being, if you are prepared for it all going pear-shaped, it will be a nice surprise if it doesn't.
But I believe that the universe often presents us with the world as we expect to find it. I choose to hope for the best and expect it to be delivered. It doesn't always work but preparing for the worst is frankly depressing.
As expected, the anniversary card arrived with her usual pithy message congratulating us on our amazing achievement of 20 years still together. There was the unsubtle hint about her knowing how 'challenging' I can be to live with.
But I know what she is doing. She is continuing a strategy she embarked on on my wedding day.
Twenty years ago on a sunny, chilly October morning, just before she left for the church ahead of me and my father, she gave me a careful hug to avoid smudging my make-up or disturbing the roses in my hair (I know, I know).
Looking me straight in the eye, she said: "Barbara, I wish you the very best of luck today. I don't think this marriage is going to last five minutes, but I hope you enjoy it while it does."
And with that, she was gone, leaving me to ponder the words which floated in the air in her wake.
To this day, she prides herself on this strategy of 'reverse psychology' which she believes is the secret to the fact that I am still married 20 years later.
'The God Box, A Daughter's Story' is touring Ireland during October to raise funds for local hospice groups. See www.thegodboxproject.com
Irish Independent
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